Small.

Starting a new job isn’t easy; there’s the whole adjustment stage that everyone goes through. How do I do things, who do I talk to about this, where the office supplies are, who do I eat lunch with, what to do when the photocopier breaks down, etc. etc. There was a sense of fear mixed with excitement when I first landed this job, and I couldn’t have been happier when I found it a challenge to do things I haven’t done before. Because the whole setting, feel, and scope was so different from what I had been used to, I felt myself being like a child again – relearning things that I thought I knew, making a few mistakes here and there. I was proud of what I’ve achieved up until now, and landing this job made me even prouder, not because I was any good at it but because it came and I got it. But there were only few things that could make me feel like this here, and there were more gritty things to handle than just being happy of where I ended up right now.

Because it wasn’t what I naturally did, I wasn’t very good at this in the beginning. But by and by I think, “Do I seem to be getting better?” I didn’t think I am. I think I’m still missing some skill, or a good handle of things. And then these thoughts tend to worry me a bit, because I only ever did what I was good at and naturally didn’t feel confident in things I wasn’t used to doing. It felt lonely knowing that I couldn’t share these to people I was with, who encourage me to do things well.

Then Sunday came, and I was really sick and I thought, “Ah~this is exactly what I’m feeling inside.” I felt weak and helpless. But we started with the worship service, and I thought, “There are a lot of people today. I feel very, very small.” Another thought crossed my mind, “It’s good to feel small sometimes. Like this,” and seeing the hundreds of people singing, “It makes one see how big God is.” And at some point, I began to see the parallel of me being a small member of that worship to my being a small person in my new team of workmates, in the significance of being in this field. I couldn’t ever be proud of what I do without remembering firstly how proud I should be of what God has done for me, all this time.

I realize that humility is something that I must go through over and over again, and it should be a welcome pain. It’s not an excuse of course to make mistakes, to keep doing badly at what I do, but to posture myself everyday to ask God to teach me well and show His greatness. It’s this humility that will help me be teachable and be ready to serve, knowing that God is happy in this way.

Sometimes you have to be bad at something so you can ask for help, and I found that God uses those moments so He can shine brighter in someone’s life.

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