[Though this may have started, on the onset, for a certain awesome person, I figured that it applies, I think, to all awesome people we may have met.
Many ladies write to their future husbands; I write to that one who is NOT. But good and godly men deserve respect and a covering of prayer.]
I never asked for you.
There are many times I wondered why I couldn’t, and why on earth should you be different from other men I met, if this person or that was or should be my future husband, which (to date) they weren’t. But for some reason, I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, ask for you. Then after some time, I realized I shouldn’t have asked for any of them too.
You were all godly men, men of virtue and courage, men who truly loved the Lord and obeyed His will to the best of your imperfect selves. Men who are being sanctified, and it showed, with the way you led and pursued and fought the good fight of faith. It was admirable, and someone was bound to notice. I did. And I noticed it again and again.
Until I felt like it was tormenting me, something that begged prayers out of me. But instead of asking God if it was possible if I could, like when I had little crushes, perhaps elicit the same torment out of you (and I probably would die of embarrassment if you ever find out that yes, I have this side to me too), I asked God to take the feelings away.
And when He didn’t, I asked Him to hide you from me (and vice versa).
And when He didn’t, I asked Him to teach me to honor you.
And He did.
First, He allowed me to see your good qualities. Second, He taught me that they were very good qualities, worthy of respect and honor. Third, He lovingly reminded me that you were but a human being, fallible and imperfect, yet loved by God Himself, enough to drive a nail across the palm of His Beloved Son.
And that’s when I decided, no, I won’t ever ask for you, from God. I felt it was a disservice to His love, and not honoring His sacrifice, if I were to ask if I can have you like you were a toy in a store that I liked and my Daddy can afford. It would devalue my future husband, and you as well, to the ire of your future wife. It just felt wrong, how it would be if I were to casually strike up your acquaintance, or deliberately get in your radar. Wrong, or weird, whichever you’d like to call it. If women were not made for pursuit, wouldn’t it be weird if you found out that there were people scheming just to get your attention? But that’s just probably me thinking this way.
And, I sincerely believed that if it were God’s design, you’d probably know that I exist too. And I guess it were, because you did; yet it did not deter me from my previous decision to never ask, probably, because God was working it in my own heart.
I was glad that God put you in my direct path, even if you weren’t meant to be anything. It taught me to look with discerning eyes the admirable qualities of men who lead. It taught me to appreciate all of you and gained new respect. It also taught me to be gracious and avoid comparison. I prayed that you would lead more men into this kind of leadership. I prayed that you will touch lives wherever you go. I prayed that I’d soon see my future husband also pursuing God with this, or even more, joy and fervor.
It also taught me much about myself. That I don’t have to follow my feelings, even if they were there. That it was never about striking out on your own to do something about them, contrary to God saying, “Wait for Me.” God was dealing in me far more than just a remedy to one-sided affection, but seeing you through the lens of how God sees you.
Instead I learned to pray that the things I saw in you I prayed I’d catch too. That the way you passionately led people to Christ was something I’d desire to have as well. And God honored those prayers by giving me a vision of who Christ is, and how transformed people’s lives become once He enters their lives as well. Your fire is catching. And I was very much encouraged and moved to action by your fire. Like I said, I thought you were an awesome individual. Somebody was bound to notice, and somebody was bound to be moved.
And yet, perhaps you weren’t meant to be anything, but I was glad to have met you anyway. I was glad to have valued you enough because you are an admirable son of God, and a sister’s future husband, and my brother in Christ. Nothing more, nothing less. I was glad you honored me as well, as a sister, a daughter of God, a brother’s future wife.
I know that God is pleased when I asked Him to help me honor you, all of you, men of God. I’m sure, my future husband would be blessed too. One day, he’ll know how much of God’s grace was involved for me to keep all of my brotherly relationships pure. One day, you’ll pursue someone and ask God for the grace to honor her as you go on your pursuit.
Until then, I won’t ask for you, or for any of you.