Even the Little Pieces

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As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

– John 15:9

Sometimes, I find the irony in my own words.

I was speaking to a friend about God’s faithfulness and grace that He can take even the smallest of our ego, or know the most petty thoughts and lies we believe in and address them. We both agreed that as a Father, God’s love is so overwhelming that He bothers even with those little details.

Not a minute after that, a thought passed through my mind. In that case, why do I bother keeping the smallest, most pathetic disobedience to myself; or withholding the confession of a bothersome sin?

Shame, I breathed out to myself.

Yet God never uses His voice to shame, I countered.

With an inward sigh, I shut the voice in my head with the next thought: With some things, I would always feel shame; even if God never once shamed me.

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Gratitude.

Some people can remember the exact date and time they met the greatest love of their life.

I consider them lucky, because though it happened to me in two ways, I could barely remember the date, or even the year, when I did. All I could think about when going back to those days:

a dusty side road;

a night with the yellowish light of the lamp bathing my room.

But I haven’t stopped since.

Could it be possible for a tiny heart grow so big from one great love? But it does. It is such a weak heart, wheezing and slowing down when the stretching gets too painful, and demanding more oxygen, more air. I need You. More of You please. And then it expands like it’s bursting, but it never does. It’s sustained by what expands it, and I’m left to wonder.

With the pieces of my heart,

I ran to Your side

And

You comforted me

And told me You are my Great Love

Thank You.

I won’t ever forget the feeling that I poured out my heart to You Lord and You made it new.

That Ringing Bell

He is with me. He is with me. He is with me.

When I feel I can’t hold it in any longer, or when I walk an extra mile home; when days pass and I go through in a daze;

When I can barely listen because my own head is filled with noise, when I can’t hear because I drown out life with songs I barely understand;

When I scream on the inside and I would rather not speak, for fear of releasing a dam of untold secrets; when my mind is crowding out love and generosity and sympathy because of my fixation on my worries;

When I only engage in shallow things, refusing to go deep, refusing to think; when I’m tired of thinking,

He is with me.

I get a thought that He walks closely behind me, quietly surveying my thoughts. Quietly negating those lies. Quietly holding me close, when things get a little harder and there’s no room to lock in silent anguish.

I get a tiny warm feeling somewhere at my core, that amidst the noise that surround me and the noise that I make, a piercing warm light like the sun through the cracks. He’s here, He’s close, my thoughts are not hidden, my heart is examined. The cold that envelops my mind in the disappointments I’ve started to lean on; slowly melt, slowly, ever so slowly.

And His presence is like a tiny sound, barely imperceptible through all the walls put up, yet for a brief moment more real than anything in reality;

He is with me.

I Keep Forgetting

…that this world values different things than the ones You value. While this world is bent on yelling out things like justice (without empathy), money (without charity), and rightness (without humility), You always chose the world’s loser side. You never look cool in this world taking the humble stance – nobody ever looked cool kneeling in front of a much less deserving person, more so washing that person’s feet. But ‘cool’ didn’t save people. ‘Cool’ didn’t die and lived again and redeemed a supposedly irreversible eternity of punishment. Humility did. Sincerity did. Love did.

Another thing I realized, people who are prepared to hate everything you say, will hate anything you say. I am learning not to take offense with people’s less than stellar/respectful/even intelligent comments, because, hey, what for? I only feel the start of a grim piece of work, for a future that’s ever changing. Funny how technology made everything more removed and desensitized.

When you give your life to Christ, the world becomes grimmer and darker; God didn’t say ‘sunshine and rainbows’. The world becomes cruel. But the great thing is, sunshine and rainbows are at the finish line. Forever.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
 
John 16:33